Next president will need to walk on water

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I’m watching the Republican primary. It’s been interesting how many candidates have risen to the top, only to become just a flash in the pan.
Being president used to be a nice job. Make a few speeches, sign a few bills into law, declare war to rousing cheers and go throw out the first ball at a Washington Senators’ baseball game.

Practically everybody liked you, or at least respected the fact that you were doing the best you could. They played “Hail to the Chief” and old men saluted and pretty girls smiled when your train pulled into town.
But all that has changed. Being president is like being sentenced to four years of watching daytime television. The president can’t please anybody anymore. Our nation is so diverse in its special interests and it needs and desires that the president automatically becomes the national whipping boy for everybody with a gripe.
Take George W. Bush. We elected him president because he reflected our moral values. Read his reviews lately? Bill Clinton was in better shape, and he barely escaped a lynching on the White House lawn.
Name any political candidate and I will name a faction that will eventually want his head on a platter. Who we need for president is somebody who is perfect. I’ve got just the guy.
We need a president who can unite us again. Someone who can bring James Dobson together with the gay liberationists and bring Barack Obama together with the right-to-life factions. We need a president who can get this country moving, who can give us an energy program that will fill the tank of every big SUV from Maine to California at $1 a gallon.
If anybody could pull that miracle off, you say, why not get him to raise the dead, too.
Stay tuned.
Could he help the unemployed in their fight for a job and idiotic government regulations? Does a semi hauling hogs pollute?
Taxes. Now there is a problem. The people with the least money pay the most taxes. My candidate would jump on that imbalance feet-first. He knows what it means to be poor. If you think Abe Lincoln had it tough as a kid, you should have seen where this guy was born.
Human rights? My man with the plan for 2012 swears by human rights. No, he doesn’t swear or drink or smoke or lust.
Feed the starving? He could do it. It’s a long story, but nobody knows more about how to make a little food go a long way.
My candidate could bridge all our gaps, solve all our problems. He could make Newt Gingrich a sweetie.
Unfortunately, he’s too busy to run. But the poor sucker who winds up with the job in 2012 will still be expected to live up to all his standards. It’s the new fact of life for the American presidency.
If you can’t walk on water, you need not apply.

Elroy Riggs