A new wrinkle on aging

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By The Staff

It's Monday, April 14, 2008. On this date 60 years ago, Momma lay down her washboard long enough to give birth to a future keyboarder.

Apparently, a lot of other mommas across America were doing the same thing. They say some 330 of us Baby Boomers turn 60 every hour.

You may not realize how close some of us came to not being here at all.

A.C. Kinsey came out with a book, "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male" in 1948. Some days I've wished it had been published in 1947, and Momma had gotten hold of a copy.

You see, Dad was born in 1885, making him 63 when I came along. I haven't seen the book, but it wouldn't surprise me if Kinsey didn't devote a whole chapter just to him.

Did you realize plans were already underway in 1948 to kill us all off before we started drawing Social Security?

It's true.

An ol' Kentucky boy from Bowling Green by the name of Duncan Hines began making prepackaged cake mix that year, and popcorn was sold on a mass scale for the first time.

Speaking of mass on scales, at least four of my six decades on earth have been spent thinking about how I need to lose varying amounts of weight.

(At this point, I thought it might be funny to write that when in my 20s I needed to lose 20 pounds ... in my 30s it was 30 pounds ... right up to this morning when I need to take off about 60 over the next week or so.)

Then I realized it was true, and all of a sudden it wasn't so dang humorous.

I've heard some people try lip-o-suction to lose weight, but I can't recall it burning all that many calories, not even in my peak dating years.

Last night, when the clock struck 12, a vow was made to never again put anything inside my mouth that isn't ultra healthy.

I think I'll start with a big serving of Total Whole Grain Cereal if I can find a box that isn't too out of date. Then I'll kick back in my recliner and do the daily aerobics routine by pulling the lever for the foot thing back and forth several times.

I miss Bob Barker, but Price Is Right is still my favorite morning TV show. Only thing is, I have to be quick with the remote in order to skip those depressing commercials.

You know the ones with dialog such as ... "Do you know it costs just as much to bury a woman as it does a man?;" "Do you find yourself going, going, going all the time?;" Have you asked your doctor if______ is right for you?"

Some days I just turn it off and sit and stare at my posters of Sophia Loren and Cheryl Tiegs. Not that I need other women to look at, mind you. I'm one of those lucky people with a younger wife who won't hit 60 until July. I just don't get to see her all that often because she's a dedicated schoolteacher.

Last night, I hollered down to the laundry room and asked what she was doing. "Getting some wrinkles out," was her reply. This morning she was still at it, standing in front of a mirror.

Statistics show the average life expectancy of a man born in 1948 to be 67.2 years. That probably doesn't take into account those killed by their spouses.

I've got to be going now.

u Columnist Don White has served as editor at several Kentucky newspapers. His features and columns are published throughout the state. Contact him at don.kenandtucky@yahoo.com.