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The other day I was listening to some old eight-track tapes when I came upon one by Jerry Clower, where Jerry does a routine about biscuits. Jerry says the absence of homemade biscuits at the American breakfast table is one reason the divorce rate is going up.
"Saddest sound in this world," Jerry said, "is the sound of them little canned biscuits being popped open early evah mawnin' in evah house in the neighborhood." Jerry goes, "Whop, whop, whop" as an illustration. It's enough to make a grown man cry.
I agree with Jerry. Give a man homemade biscuits in the morning and he'll come home to you at night. The Pillsbury Doughboy with his dratted canned biscuits is a lousy homewrecker. There was a time, especially in the south, when the woman arose early enough in the morning to prepare homemade biscuits for her husband and family.
It was a simpler time, before most women joined the workforce. Women in those days served plates of piping hot biscuits, big fluffy biscuits. Cut one open and ladle some sawmill gravy over it or slap a portion of real butter between the halves and then cover that with your choice of preserves or jelly. "A breakfast without biscuits," went a famous saying, "is like a day without sunshine."
But what, if anything, endures? The last homemade biscuit I saw was in a museum behind a glass case.
It is time, women of America, to come to your senses. Halt the alarming increase in the divorce rate. Bring the homemade biscuit back to your breakfast table. We can all work together. You make 'em, we'll eat 'em. What could be more fair? I must insist on taking a hard line on this matter.
Any woman who serves her family canned biscuits for breakfast in anything but an extreme emergency is guilty of apathy.
I looked in Paula Deen's cookbook. Paula Deen does a southern cooking show on national television. She lives in Savannah, Ga. Her cookbook is in homes all over the country, including Alaska where the Eskimos are now eating grits with their whale blubber. The book contains thousands of Southern recipes including some for biscuits.
I looked in her cookbook for a biscuit recipe. One is for angel biscuits. You need flour, baking soda, salt, baking powder, sugar, shortening, yeast and buttermilk. Cook for 12 minutes. Sounds divine.
And one more thing. An ingredient most important. The last woman to cook biscuits for me in the mornings was a lady I lived with for 18 years. I can remember asking her, "What makes these biscuits so good?" "Love, son," she would say. "I put in lots of love."
Homemade biscuits for breakfast ladies? At least once? And soon? He'll taste the love. I promise.